Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m a shopaholic. 

I don’t know if this is really the right definition of a shopaholic, but I think my only saving grace is that I know that I can’t afford the things I truly covet.  I long to feel the soft leathery goodness of a Coach purse in my hands.  I would love to own a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutin shoes with the trademark red soles; I long for these even though I would most likely never wear them because I’m about as graceful as a linebacker in high heels.  I drool at the thought of possessing anything with the Tiffany insignia on it, preferably draped in diamonds and a platinum setting. 

I see the finer things and realize that I will never in a million trillion years ever be in possession of them.  I refuse to go into some really serious debt for these things.  I know this, and yet…

I stalk the pages of eBay wondering if anyone would be willing to part with these treasures at some kind of discounted price.  I flip through the pages of Amazon hoping that there is a way that these beautiful baubles could be mine.  I look through Craig’s List to see if someone is going through a bad break up, rejected marriage proposal or the final purge of their possessions in the hope that someone will pay enough for them to be able to pay a bill or two while they wait for another job comes along.  I am hoping that someone else’s misfortune could benefit me in some way, shape or form.  That just feels wrong.

My desire for finer things has never put me in possession of them.  I have a small Coach clutch, but I’m pretty sure that it is fake.  The price I paid for it would tell me that this is a fact.  Yet I still treasure it deeply, because in my heart I believe that it just might be a real Coach purse.  It’s like everytime I would go to a flea market believing that I had found the Prada paradise and hit a jackpot only to realize that there is no way in hell that a real Prada purse would sell for $50, and then still have the label fall off like two hours after the purchase. 

My Amazon page is a testament to the things I would love to get my grubby little hands on.  It is filled with purses, jewelery, make up, books, movies, CD’s, video games, electronics and collectibles that I will not be able to get anytime in the near future but I still look at them online anyway.  I get emails from Amazon, eBay and Overstock.com telling me that if I liked this item then I might like this other item.  Well, of course I would but that doesn’t mean that I could afford to buy either of those things.  No matter how much it’s price has been reduced, it’s still out of the affordable price range. 

Therefore in order to absolve myself of the pain of not being able to afford designer items, I go to my Holy Lands (Ulta, Sephora, Target, etc.) and load up on things not designer but not off brand either. 

I can’t seem to make myself go cheap on my make-up.  I’ve tried, but once I found something that I loved it was too hard to go back.  Since I can no longer afford the make-up that I know and love, I squirrel it away and save it for special occasions choosing to leave the house it cheap imitation or none at all.  I continue to buy expensive nail polish for reasons that I can’t really justify other than loving the particular colors that are available.  It’s not like I’m doing my own nails so I can’t say that I’m spending more because it covers better because let’s face it, I’m going to go home after getting my nails done and add another coat of the color anyway just because I don’t think it’s dark enough or covered enough.  It’s what I do.  The worst part is, I think I only use these colors once or twice a year and that is becoming less and less due to the fact that I continue to buy more and more every year.  

I buy more anti-aging stuff than I most likely need, but I tell myself that I have nice, soft wrinkle free skin because of the serums, lotions and creams that I have been buying since I turned 25.  I have at least eight different kinds of hand and body lotions because I’m determined to find the perfect balance between silky soft and non greasy.  None of it is scented either because I’m allergic to anything with scent in it.  Yet when I got my two recent tattoos and the guy told me to use lotion after the two days of Neosporin cream, I went to my local Walgreens and I bought new lotions because I didn’t want to do anything to ruin the tattoos.  Yeah, the eight I already had at home would have been just fine. 

I hated Crocs when I first saw them.  Then I tried on and bought one pair.  Now I basically have them in every color in the rainbow.  Plus those little hole fillers to go with them.  I wasn’t able to stop at one color that would work with everything I own.  No, I had to have a color that represented my favorite football teams and my favorite colors.  Then I had to have the Jibbitz to again represent my favorite football teams, hobbies, holidays, activities, animals and of course cartoon characters.  Of course because I’m a freak like this, I couldn’t wear the shoes that are good year round so I bought the Croc sandals.  It never stops.  It’s a vicious circle.   

I still buy books when I live within comfortable walking distance of my local library (and it’s not like I don’t have the comfortable shoes to get me there).  I don’t go because I still feel anger towards the way that working in a library made me feel.  Again, my Amazon account is a testament to this reading bender that I tend to go on.  I continue to buy TV show seasons on DVD even though I didn’t particularly enjoy them when they were actually on TV.  I look at my stacks and piles and shelves lined with these things.  I read/watch them all once and then put them away never to look at them again, but because I enjoy the thrill that owning them gives me, I won’t part with them. 

I buy jewelry so often that you would think that I’m actually buying it to wear it somewhere.  I have more necklaces, earrings, watches and rings than I actually know what to do with.  Every time I buy a new one, I take the last one I was wearing and I put it away in one of my (get ready for it) eight jewelery boxes.  These items are rarely ever seen again until I’m looking at all the places where I stash jewelery and then wonder what the hell is in them.  I go through them, look at them, remember and then either trash the chains that are broken/tangled or put everything back to be forgotten about for another year. 

My shopping compulsion is a dedication to excess.  All because I love the momentary thrill that buying these items gives me.  It’s usually when I get up to the check out counter that the buyers remorse begins.  Yeah, I haven’t even bought them yet, and the remorse begins.  You think that I would take that as a sign to, I dunno, put everything back.  No, instead I stand there sweating over it and second guessing my choices.  Wondering if I should; put away the wallet because I already love the wallet that I own, or put away the big jar candle because I already have six back ups at home and only four rooms to put them in, or the pen because what am I going to do with a disposable pen when I have beautiful refillable pens waiting for me in both my purse and at home.  And then I realize that I’m next and it’s basically too late to leave the line now (no, it really isn’t) so I go ahead and make the purchases only to immediately go home and hide what I’ve done from my husband.  The idea of returning the items really never enters my mind, because that would just be too embarrassing.   By the way, those items only get hidden for like a day and then I get too excited over them again and end up showing everything to him one at a time on different days, but never ever in the same week because I can’t let him now how bad the addiction has gotten. 

It doesn’t matter if I bought every single one of those things on sale or clearance or at a closing out price.  The fact is that I bought them.  I bought something stupid and useless when I could have bought something that we really needed.  Even telling myself that I bought the stuff that we needed before I bought stupid and useless first doesn’t relieve the guilt that I feel for buying the items in the first place.  The fact that I get a rush when I go grocery shopping with my husband and knowing that I snuck in something that’s just for me, is enough.  I stand there at the check out with him none the wiser while I sweat over whether or not he’s going to see my humidity resistant hair spray (um, yeah right) and say anything about it and when he doesn’t, I feel the rush. 

I guess I should be happy that this isn’t a drug addiction or alcohol addiction, but still…

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, what gets your heart racing?

I was looking through my search terms again, and all I can say is WTF????

Let me show you what’s going on with my search terms.  It’s really crazy and a little bit weird.  I’m going to list these in no particular order, mostly so you guys can see things the way that I saw them as I was looking at them.

In friendship person does not want respect:  Strange, I believe I actually did a whole post about wanting respect in my friendships. 

Car ding husband angry:  First off, he would have no right to be angry if I dinged my car because it is my car.  I have no right to be angry if he dings his car because it is his car.  I don’t know what post I did to end up with this search term, but whatever.

Cat ignoring me:  This is the joy of owning a cat.  They will ignore you until they want you to pay attention to them.  You have no choice but to accept this fate because by owning a cat, you have become it’s bitch.

Tori Spelling:  Because MTAE (read him, he is funny and thoughtful and I’m sure everyone will enjoy what he has to say) pointed out that I am a stalker (ok, not on his post, but he still said that I’m a stalker), I like to believe that Tori Spelling herself entered this search term to see what people were saying about her and/or her book.  I hope she liked what she saw on my blog.  Hi Tori!  I loved your book!

Things to do in traffic:  I get this one.  I like that people see that every time they want to know what to do when stuck in traffic.  I still get a kick out of it.

Chicago library employment:  I get it.  A word to the wise though, be really sure that this is what you want to do with your life, because otherwise it will suck your soul out through your ears.

I’m having so much fun I could just shit:  Weird.  This is one of those terms that I don’t think that I’ve ever used.  I’m willing to admit that I may be wrong though.

Red headed Catwoman:  I wish!  Sadly it’s so far from the real truth that the only part of that search term that is really true is that I’m a red head.

My husbands friends gang banged me:  Ok, this is the one where my head almost exploded.  How the fuck did this end up in my search terms?  Nothing, I cannot emphasize this point enough, Nothing like this has ever happend to me.  I’m really truely sorry if I’ve ever mislead anyone into believing that I have been gang banged let alone by my husbands friends.  I’m sorry if this makes my life seem boring, but whatever.  I’m willing to hold onto my integrity to state one more time, with my hand to God, I have never been involved in a gang bang.  Fucking perverts.

If I don’t have caller ID how do I know who called:  Freakin’ asshats, either invest in caller ID, get an answering machine/voicemail, or answer the damned phone.  If you don’t want to answer your phone than your problems go beyond the need for caller ID.  Get the answering machine, if it’s important than they will leave a message.  If you really need to know but don’t want to invest in any of those things, *69 works well.

101 things in 1001 days gang bang:  Again with the gang bangs.  What kind of impression are people getting of me for cryin’ out loud??  I was thinking I needed to start talking about my sex life more just to get the search terms, but suddenly I’m terrified.  Let me state one more time for the record, I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN A GANG BANG!!!

How should a store clerk dress:  Well, I guess that depends on what kind of store you work at.  I’ve discovered though that employers, again depending on the place of employment, like some kind of top and some kind of bottom.  When in doubt a polo and a pair of khakis are fool proof.

Ok, so there it is.  Apparently I’m getting quite the variety out there.  There were a few about tattoos, but those didn’t seem important or weird enough to share.  There was one about someones tattoo throbbing after it was done.  Let me just say, that will happen.  There are needles rapidly injecting ink into your skin.  And from what I saw the last few times I’ve been to get tattoos, there is a single needle to do the outline and three needles to do the coloring.  This is bound to sting a little bit.  If you aren’t able to handle the pain, than you probably shouldn’t be getting a tattoo.  Sorry, but it’s true and I’m all about the truth lately.

Edit:  I couldn’t take the wondering where the hell the gang bang thing came from so I went to the handy dandy Google site and did an advanced search for the words “gang bang” on sarahik.wordpress.com.  It’s because of that book Snuff that I had read.  Once I saw the title of the post I realized what it was, and I feel a lot better now that I know that I didn’t put something up about me being involved in a gang bang that I didn’t recall happening.  I always knew either Chuck Palahniuk or Brett Easton Ellis would one day cause my to question either my memory or my sanity, I just didn’t expect the day to come so soon.

Today I will think positively.  Just because I manage to step on the cat’s tail as soon as I get out of bed does not mean it will be a bad day.

Today I will do my best to enjoy the day instead of dreading what may happen later.

Today I will not mourn those who are no longer here but instead celebrate the fact that I had them in my life at all.

Today I will not let my past dictate my future.

Today I will not regret the things I did in my past since they are in fact in the past and I cannot change them.

Today I will not look back and wonder “what if” but instead look at it and tell myself “it was bad, but you survived it.”

Today I will do my best to open up and give new people a chance of getting to know me, and in turn I will do my absolute best to get to know new people instead of jumping to conclusions.

Today I will not feel sorry for myself because at least I’m healthy (I hope), I have a roof over my head, a bed to fall asleep in, food in my refrigerator,  people who love me and people that I love.

Today I will not be jealous of what other people have, but instead be thankful for what I have because it could be so much worse.

Today I will try to remember that living a life full of regrets is not really living.

Today I will finish my damned book even if it kills me.

Today I will not worry about what will happen tonight, but instead look at it for what it is.  A chance to go out with some friends and socialize, which I do not do often enough.

Today is a new day, filled with new opportunities.  Live each one to the fullest. 

I stole this post from Red.  I feel absolutely no shame in doing so either, seeing as how I’m having writers block lately.  I blame the friend break up.  Even when she’s not in my life (at least for this last week) she fucks it all up.

1. One movie that made you laugh:  I’m so easily amused that this isn’t really a surprise, but Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.  There is just something about all of the crap going on in that movie that has me in a fit of giggles whenever I see it.  And no, I’m not high or drunk when I watch it. 

2. One movie that made you cry:  This is a hard one.  I mean, are we talking a full on bawl here or just some misty eyed crying?  Because I cried during Gone in 60 Seconds when that Shelby Mustang got wrecked.  But if we’re talking a full on Kleenex fest, it would have to be What Dreams May Come.  When Robin Williams finds his wife and decides that he won’t leave her again it just gets me every single time.

3. One movie you loved when you were a child:  I can’t choose just one, so they would be in this order; The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth (with David Bowie) and Clash of the Titans.  No, there is no accounting for taste in my household. 

4. One movie you’ve seen more than once:  Thanks to my mom, that would be Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.  C’mon, Paul Newman and Robert Redford.  Gotta love the baby blues that are going on in that movie.

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it:  It’s an awful movie, but I really loved Hudson Hawk.  I have to admit my Bruce Willis crush now and say that his singing in that movie didn’t really do anything to make the crush dissipate at all. 

6. One movie you hated:  Talented Mr. Ripley.  I wanted to punch myself in the face because I hated that movie so much and I want the two wasted hours of my life back. 

7. One movie that scared you:  I don’t scare easily, but I will stand by my statement that The Ring did it for me.  This is why.  Jaws didn’t help me too much either. 

8. One movie that bored you:  So. Hard. To. Choose. Just. One.

9. One movie that made you happy:  Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  I love Audrey Hepburn and to me she is Holly Golightly.  I love love love that movie and will watch it whenever I start to feel a little blue. 

10. One movie that made you miserable:  Reign of Fire.  I love dragons and I think they are misrepresented therefore whenever I happen to watch a movie where one or more die, it tears me up inside.  I can’t help but think if the stupid people would leave the dragons alone than the dragons wouldn’t be killing all the people and the people wouldn’t have to figure out a way to kill them.  I realize a dragon is essentially a fire breathing dinosaur, but if you were to come across a dinosaur would you kill it? 

(I worry that maybe I’m not taking this survey as seriously as I should be)

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see:  That movie hasn’t been made yet.

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with:  I cannot recall a character that I have fallen in love with.  I enjoy the character during the movie, but once the credits start to roll, I get on with my life. 

13. The last movie you saw:  In a theater, Iron Man.  At home, Ghost Rider (it was on cable, I was barely watching.)

14. The next movie you hope to see:  Well, if I had my way it would be Sex and the City, but since I only get my way if a “chick flick”  isn’t involved it might be that movie The Strangers.

   Remember when Snapple used to be really cool?  There were the Snapple lady commercials where she would answer random questions about Snapple.  Then all of a sudden, one day they were gone.  Snapple was still around but for unknown reasons they didn’t feel the need to advertise anymore. 

   On the random occasions that I walk into a gas station, or on the more frequent occasions that I go to Walgreen’s when I’m not on my way home (you know, where the beverages are free) I always buy some kind of Snapple product.  I even found Snapple tea (like the kind that you brew for a hot cup of tea) and felt compelled to buy it.

And the reason why I think I keep buying Snapple products is because of the little bits of random information that can be found on the inside of their lids.  Not only is my thirst being quenched, but I’m learning something.

OK, so I was tagged by Betme to do a list of fives.  First off, for reasons I am unsure of, I have never been comfortable with the number five, so with that said, I give you my list.

Five Things in my Bag:

1. Sunglasses:  Very important to the happiness of my driving.  I always need to have my sunglasses, no sunglasses equals a very unhappy Sarah.
2. Wallet:  This post might as well have been five things in my wallet.  I could probably live without my purse, but that’s only because I keep everything in my wallet.  And yes, those are skulls on my wallet.  They are Jack Skellington heads from The Nightmare Before Christmas which is one of my favorite movies.
3. Gum:  If my dentist were to see this post, he would be very disappointed in me.  I’m not actually supposed to chew gum due to issues I have with my jaw.  But, who can resist Orbit melon mint or whatever the hell it’s called.
4. Notebook with a pen attached:  As Allison said in her five things post, you never know when a blog idea will strike. 
5. Electronics:  It’s sick, but the phone I have has an MP3 player and a camera in it.  And yet, because the phone is new I still carry my iPod and digital camera with me.  You can’t see the camera in this picture, because it’s what I’m taking the picture with obviously.  Oy people.

Five Things in my Room:  (Ok, one of these things isn’t from the bedroom, but I’m not going to show you the porn collection, so instead I took a picture of mine and my husbands favorite piece of art that we bought together.  It may end up in the bedroom at some point in the near futute anyway.) 

1. My side of the bed:  On it are my alarm clock, a bottle of lotion because dry skin is my enemy, chapstick, foot healing balm and the jewlery that I wear the most often.
2. Always Kiss me Goodnight:  I was guilty of going to bed angry a lot.  It was when I was working at the library and I guess I took things out on my husband.  It got ugly for awhile, and last year after being unemployed for a few months I found this sign at a craft fair.  It’s worked.  No matter how angry one of us is, we always kiss goodnight now.
3. The bed:  First off, yes at 29 going on 30 years old I still sleep with a stuffed bear.  I can’t help it, it makes me feel better and my husband doesn’t complain about it.  Second, those are pet stairs at the foot of the bed.  The damned cat refuses to use them, but I’m afraid that she will give up all hope of getting up onto the bed if I move them.
4. My Coach purse:  This is the most expensive and extravagant purse that I own.  I really never get to use it because it’s basically just a clutch and doesn’t have anywhere near enough space in it, but it’s mine and I love it. 
5. The artwork:  It’s a digital image of The Devil and an Angel playing chess with humans.  Let’s face it, isn’t that how it feels sometimes.  On either side are a couple of my favorite dragons.  These aren’t in the bedroom right now, but my husband and I have plans to buy some more artwork and I get the feeling that this one, dark as it may seem, may end up in the bedroom at some point. 

Five Things I am Into:  (In no particular order)

1. Reading:  I’m very into the reading.  I have about 6 bookcases of various sizes to prove my love of reading.  They are all full of my books.  I will attempt to read anything.  I love the classics.  It took me forever to get through Vanity Fair because of  the style it was written in, but I did it and I felt really good about it.  I’ve discovered since I’m not working that I’m picking up a lot of non-fiction books like Don’t Know Much about Mythology and books like that.  Stuff I feel like I should know, but maybe I don’t.  My husband may occupy one half of a shelf on one of the bookcases.  To be fair though, he occupies a good part of the closets with his boxes full of comic books.
2. Body art:  Even if I’m not covered in tattoos and piercings I love to pick up magazines about such.  I have been known to walk into a tattoo studio to just look around and see what other people are getting.  The people who work in these shops seem OK with me doing that.  I don’t do it every week or anything but I’ve done it more than once.  I also have a list of tattoos that I want to get.  I’ve taken the idea to several shops to have them drawn up (I can’t draw and I don’t know any of my friends who can) and have the prices quoted so that I know what I’m working up to.  A lot of people don’t like tattoos and piercings.  They say that if you weren’t meant to be covered in ink and piercings than God would have given them to you.  I say if he didn’t want me to have them, he wouldn’t have given me a blank canvas to work with.
3. Music:  I love music.  There is a song for every mood, thought, and feeling.  Music can be inspiring.  Music can bring you out of a funk, and occassionally it can work you into one.  I can’t live without music.  I listen to it everyday.  I know a lot of people who listen to talk radio and audio books, but words just distract me.  Music though, that’s like a heartbeat.  Actually, a heartbeat is music.   
4. Dragons:  If dragons were real, I would want to own one.  But since they aren’t my husband humors me by buying me just about anything that is a dragon.  I’m picky about my dragons though.  I don’t like Asian dragons because they look too much like snakes (I’m afraid of snakes).  If it doesn’t have wings, then it’s not really a dragon.  My husband isn’t the only one who indulges me in this dragon fixation, most of my friends and my parents do too, but my husband tends to take on the brunt of this collection.
5. Photography:  My dad is a professional photographer and I think he always hoped that I would follow.  I’m reluctant photographer.  I tend to look at something after it happens and wish that I had taken a picture of it.  I try to go for the arty pictures, and they always come out blurry.  I prefer black and white to color.  Black and white makes you think about what you’re looking at.  It’s just nicer to look at sometimes, at least in my opinion.

Five Things I Have Always Wanted to do:  (In no particular order)

1. Bungee jump:  I don’t know why.  I don’t even know if people do this anymore.  Falling has never scared me though.  Flying, now that scares the crap out of me, but if I had to jump from a plane, I would probably feel a rush that could not even be described.
2. Travel:  I want to go to Europe.  Problem is I’m afraid to fly and I have claustrophobia.  These are two things that don’t bode well with an 8 hour flight across an ocean.  There is also the lack of money thing.  I’m good with flying within the country, but across an ocean and I can feel the panic attack right now. 
3. Write:  I know, I’m writing now.  I want to be able to write a book or a story or an article.  I guess I’m saying that I want to be published.  Maybe this technically counts.  Maybe I want people to have to pay for what I’m writing.  I want to be paid for writing something.  Wow, I’m babbling.
4. Drive a Dodge Viper:  I know it’s silly, but the first time I saw this car I fell in love.  Or maybe it’s lust, anyway something guides me to this car.  It is my dream car.  I want it, I want to be inside of it.
5. Work a clutch:  I have tried over and over to drive a manual transmission car.  It never ends well for the car.  I’m convinced that if I can learn to work the damned clutch in a car than I can finally learn to ride a motorcycle and perhaps I won’t die in a fiery wreck. 

Have you ever been in the shower (nope not the question yet) and finished shaving one leg only to look down at the other one and think, for the briefest of moments, I’m too tired to shave the other leg?

And in that oh so brief moment, you also think, who would notice?  I’m planning on wearing pants.

Don’t worry, I shaved the other leg.

I’ve been doing a hell of a lot of complaining lately and I’m sorry for that.  I promise that at some point (once the PMS for this month has passed) I will attempt to return to funny.  But, until then, here I present this little nugget of information.

The balcony across from us is the place where stuff goes to die.  I’m sure of it.  The people who live in the apartment attached to this balcony use it as a storage area, I think.  There is painting stuff from 2 years ago, a grill that doubles as a bird house, and there used to be a bed frame out there. 

The grill is actually funny (ok, funny to me).  Every year, the guy who lives there comes out and cleans out the grill.  By cleans, I mean that he kicks the bird nest out and then closes the lid again.  The birds only take this as a temporary eviction.  There used to be a bowl from the one of two times that I have seen the grill actually being used for a grill.  I think it was moved to inside the grill, and the birds must be living in it by now.

But, it is not the adults owners of this balcony that I really take issue with. 

From the day we moved in (about 4 years ago) the kids who live in the place across from us have been throwing crap on our balcony.  The hubs and I were pretty good about it at first.  At first there was charcoal (weird since the grill is a gas one), then candy (still in the wrapper), and then toys started to show up.  There is a hostage hanging from our railing and he is the largest one yet.  It looks like one of those Power Ranger action figures, and it’s about 10-12″ tall.  At first I had him propped up against the railing, to make it look like he was in jail.  But, this past Halloween the hubs and I were decorating the balcony (there is usually a contest, and Halloween is my favorite holiday) and he decided to string that sucker up.  He is hanging upside down and his arms are spread.  Think of Jesus on the cross, but with a Power Ranger, and (I’m so going to burn in hell for this) hanging upside down.  The hubs went to cut him down after Halloween and I told him not to, I fully intend on making a sign that says “Trespassers Beware.” 

It’s funny, because since doing that, those kids haven’t thrown a damn thing on our balcony.  On the downside, I’m starting to think that other people in the complex think we are some kind of Satan worshippers. 

I went to Marshall’s this weekend.  I decided that I needed/wanted a new purse (could I possibly be anymore of a girl?). 

I’m standing there admiring a purse and I obviously wasn’t moving quickly enough because some chick comes darting past me with her shopping cart.  I had moved out of her way, but in the process she had stopped right in front of me and grabbed the purse that I had been looking at.  She picked it up, looked at it and then threw it into her shopping cart.

I’m relieved and disappointed. 

Now, because of her certainty, I want the purse.  And of course it was the last one. 

May the hunt commence.  Looks like I’ll be going to a different Marshall’s today.

Some days I wake up, and I wonder what the point is.  I don’t have a job, I’m a social retard and I’ve pretty much abandoned the friends I had made while working at the library or maybe I made it so that they abandoned me.  I don’t blame them for this, it was like I needed out of the life of hell that I had created for myself while working there.  I regret my choices and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to fix the mistakes that I have made.

Some days I wake up in the morning and I just want to cry; and nine times out ten I actually do.  This actually happens more often when I’m taking a shower.  I guess I feel better knowing that in the shower you can’t see the evidence that my emotions got the best of me.

Some days I wake up and I’m just so angry.  I can’t explain why I’m angry, but I feel the rage inside me take over.  I get mad at my dad for leaving.  I get angry at my mom for putting up with crap from a man who was so selfish.  I stay mad at my dad for his drinking, and sometimes I think that he deserves the diabetes he has now because it means he can’t drink the way he used to and therefore can’t emotionally hurt someone else the way he emotionally hurt my mother. 

I get angry at myself for staying in a relationship where I was a victim for so long and even though it was over 10 years ago that it happened I can’t help but be reminded of it when I least expect it.  I get mad at my ex for putting me in that position; I had always thought myself stronger than that.  I get mad at myself for what I did to get out of that relationship, but I know what I had to do was to save myself.  Again, I regret the choices I made and I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do to make it better.  But, and I know this is wrong, I feel vindicated because he finally repeated the actions on someone else.  He finally hurt her the way he hurt me and now all the people who thought I was a liar… well they know the truth.  I wouldn’t have wished this on her in a million years, I don’t hate anyone that much, but at least now she knows why I did what I did.

At least when I wake up feeling this way, I know that I’ll feel better tomorrow.  I just wish that until tomorrow came, I could let go of the past.