I think when you meet a new person they should come with a warning label.
Caution: The contents of this person may cause long term disturbance to your self-esteem. This person may only want to be your friend because they sense that you are somehow a push over. She will only call you when she needs money or to make herself feel better about the shitty decisions she makes in her own life. She will expect you not to judge her and somehow encourage her in her wicked ways. Although, when you do try to help her, she will proceed to shut you out and make you feel like telling her the truth was the dumbest thing you could have done. She will then pass you over for every major decision in her life and tell you why you were passed over to make you feel somehow guilty about being honest.
Maybe this warning label is too exact. Maybe this is just the warning label that my other “close” friend should have come with, because had I seen it on her I think I would have run for the hills screaming about the end of the world.
I knew something was up when she called yesterday morning at 8:30 am. I knew it and because of caller ID, I chose to screen. When someone calls you at 8:30 in the morning and on your house phone, they want money. I know she needed money because she didn’t leave a message and she didn’t call my cell phone. That means she was circling the area in hopes that I was home and that she could stop and pick up the money. I know her, she would tell you that I don’t know her, but I do know her and I know her too well.
I find it funny that she wants to borrow money from me because she knows I’m not working. I do side jobs and I make just enough money to go to the grocery store and do little odds and ends for myself. My husband is a good man who works to pay the bills. And she knows that he just started a new job. She must be under the mistaken impression that they paid him the day that he showed up to fill out the paperwork.
I want to be a good friend and do what I can to help her. But, I don’t know where the friendship should end and debt collector should start. This woman has borrowed money from me in the past, and I never minded. But now it just feels like she only calls me because she needs something. I have watched her daughter for free, after she said that she would pay me. And I’m not mad or bitter that she didn’t pay me, but she acted like I somehow owed her 10 hours of my life to watch her kid. She’s a single mom, but she has a live in boyfriend. When I asked her where the boyfriend would be, she said that he was going out skateboarding with some friends, while she worked a 10 hour shift as a waitress. When I tried to politely ask why the boyfriend wasn’t working, she said that she didn’t want him to due to some health problems. When I tried to ask what the health problems were, she avoided the issue. Whatever they are, all I know is that he is healthy enough to go skateboarding while she worked three to four part time jobs.
I know better than to question about her choices in men too much because of the last time I told her I didn’t like a boyfriend of hers. She didn’t believe that he cornered me in their new apartment while they were moving and felt it was his right as my best friends fiancee to feel me up. After that little confession, I was cut out of her life for 3 years because apparently I made the whole thing up, according to him. When we ran into each other all those years later she told me how she caught him making out with the person she had chosen to take my place. I guess the new friend didn’t have the morals that I had because she (the new friend) didn’t stop him. That happened 4 weeks after she cut me out of her life.
Anyway, she called me again early this morning. I get the feeling that I’m going to get another early morning phone call tomorrow too. If she was calling my cell I would think that she needs someone to talk to. Which is ok, I’m a good listener. Granted the last time she called me when she was in a bad mood, it rubbed off on me.
Am I a bad person for avoiding her? Should I be calling her back to make sure everything is ok? Thoughts and suggestions anybody?
If only people came with that warning label! I would have saved myself many hours of hurt. I see the dilemma - you’re a good person and want to do the right thing but it can be extremely taxing when the friendship is not reciprocated. As hard as it may be and as mean as it may sound, I wouldn’t call her back. If she was really wanting a friend she would keep calling and leaving messages. Otherwise, she’s just wanting to use you and a person can only put up with that for so long.
I don’t really know if I’m a good person, I think I just have my limits. I’ve let it go for as long as I can and it’s just getting to the point where I don’t think I can do this anymore.
I don’t know, sometimes it’s really hard to set boundaries with your friends.
I personally have a prototypical soft spot for women in bad situations, etc., and I have to remind myself sometimes that it’s not only not my job to try to be a knight in shining armor to any gal who needs me, but that ultimately if I swoop in too quickly and too far, it does neither of us any good.
I think I’m getting better about it as I get older. Or maybe I’m just becoming more of a crotchety old bastard who doesn’t give a shit.
I wish this was a way to save her, but she won’t take my advice. Not that I really know any better, but she thinks she knows best.
A user-friend is a huge emotional drain. You spend more time trying to avoid them and avoid hurt feelings than you gain in mutual friend issues. Mr. J and I have lost many friends over the years because we quit providing free bank services. I swear that some friends and family treat us more like an ATM… “Can I borrow 20 bucks?” became their greeting. There was no, “Hi how ya doing?” They just jumped right in with begging for cash with false promises to pay us back.
I am biased and leaning towards you severing ties with your friend.
If she was still asking me how I was doing when I picked up the phone, I may be willing to let it keep going. I still wouldn’t give her the money, but at least I would feel like she still cares about me as her friend. The fact that I can’t remember the last time we talked and she asked me how I was doing is what’s killing me the most. I didn’t even really realize that until I was writing this post.
Unfortunately, I’m leaning in the same direction as you.
Based on what you said, you are making the right decision not to talk with her. I would only add that you should do your best to just break-off the relationship in total so you don’t have to avoid her. Easier said than done, but once free from it you will feel much relieved. Good luck.
Have you ever seen Fatal Attraction? I’m afraid that this is the kind of person she would be if I’m the one ending it. She really looks like a bunny boiler.
Hmm, yeah, let me back up and say the mooching should stop, pronto, even if it costs the friendship. I learned a long time ago that you should never loan money to friends unless you’re willing to lose both. It’s been good advice, and has saved me from a few mistakes.
Ok, this comment helps a little more. And I do think you, and everyone else who has commented so far is right; this shit has to stop.
I response to the idea that she might have fatal attraction issues, you might want to try reversing things with her. Become a burden to her by asking her for money before she can ask you. Ask her if you can borrow some of her favorite stuff. Ask her for a ride because you don’t have gas money… etc. Maybe she will run for the hills.
If I had the energy to pull off that kind of stunt, I would totally do it. Besides, there is no way in hell that I would wan to borrow any of her stuff. Her boyfriend is of questionable cleanliness and therefore makes her of questionable cleanliness.
Besides, when I really think about it she’s too selfish to give a damn about whether or not I call her back.
It is very easy for all of us to sit here and tell you to stop enabling this person, because it is the right decision, but it isn’t always that simple. This is someone you have been through many life experiences with and it sounds like you still feel some responsibility to help her, if you can. It may be best to tell her that it isn’t the right time for you guys. Explain the job situations of your family. You wouldn’t have to tell her that you don’t WANT to help, but you just CAN’T right now.
This may just be “kicking the can down the road”, but we have to do that sometimes.
It’s not really responsibility. I can’t describe what it is, but in my opinion I’ve always been the better friend than she has. She actually knows that we aren’t doing great financially and it has never really occured to her that I might say no. The thing is that I don’t want to do this anymore, and I can’t do this anymore.
Yet, part of me feels guilty about not wanting to do this with her anymore. It hurts that I don’t want to be her friend anymore. But it actually hurts more that that is all she wants from me and this friendship.
This may sound cold, but I try to avoid people who might be inclined to ask for loans. This is one of the many reasons I don’t have a close relationship with my brother. He’s 5 yrs older than I am, and he was stealing my rolled change when I was a 10 yrs old. He has asked my parents for money MANY times over the years. He has never asked me for money because he knows that I would say no. Partly because he treated me like crap until my parents finally kicked him out of the house, and partly because I know that he would blow it on stupid stuff. My 5 years in social work only further strengthened this distrust (seeing people receive welfare benefits while not working and having a big screen tv). I can’t be unbiased about this matter. I couldn’t lend her money (I’m wondering…does she ever pay it back?).
It doesn’t sound cold at all. She has never once paid it back. We used to have an understanding about that kind of thing. When we smoked, I would buy her a pack if I had extra and when she had extra she would buy. Things went like this for awhile and I’m realizing that I was the one who did most of the buying. As a matter of fact I lent her $10 a couple months ago so she could put gas in her car. She said she would pay me back the next day, but I never did see that $10.
Whoa for a second I almost thought you were talking about one of my friends. Gotta love those 3 hour phone calls about everything and anything involving them.
Ah yes, the “me me” phone call. It was why I insisted we get caller ID in our house.