I remember the days when I used to be able to function without a cell phone, an iPod, digital camera or a laptop computer.  Now if I leave the house without any of these things I feel like I should be hunting for a dinosaur for dinner or something.  Perfect example of what my day was like today.

6:30 am - (I know early) I left my house to go babysit for my girlfriends baby. 

6:32 am- Realized I left  my home without iPod.

6:33 am- Back in my car.

6:35 am- Realize I have no cell phone.

6:45 am- Finally have every little electronic gizmo I need, actually make that own.

2:15 pm - Cell phone dies because I forgot to charge it and I don’t have the charger for it in my car.

2:27 pm - Same thing happens to iPod.  Weep uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes because I killed my knee going back up three flights of stairs to retrieve both of these items at roughly 6:00 this morning and now they have both managed to fail me less than 12 hours later.

3:13 pm - Decide to end my day early because I’m out of gas and don’t have my bank card with me to put gas in the car.

I don’t remember how to function now without any of these little distractions that I use on a daily basis.  What really kills me is how when I got both of them (not at the same time or anything) I would routinely forget them when I left home and it wouldn’t bother me at all.  When people would ask me why I have a cell phone if I’m not even going to carry it, I would laugh at them!  I would find it amusing that they thought I needed these things so badly.  Before my iPod I would randomly flip through radio stations searching for something, anything to listen to for my five minute ride home.  Now if I forget it I start thinking that my life must be over. 

This all happend to me in a matter of less than 10 years.  That’s all it took for me to rely so heavily on technology that I find myself turning my car around to go home to retrieve these items, when I am more than half way to my destination.   What kind of person does that?  Ok, I actually know the answer to that question.  A crazy person, like me, who no longer knows how to function without things she didn’t need 10 years ago, that’s who.

I am terrified of clowns.  Maybe it’s weird, maybe it’s not.  A lot of people are afraid of clowns, right?  Here is a list and a couple stories about why I may be afraid of these creatures of evil. 

1.  When I was little, I was in a Girl Scout group.  When I was in this Girl Scout group, we were invited to be in a parade.  Ronald McDonald was at this parade.  He apparently thought it would be funny to sneak up on a small impressionable child and scare her so badly that she almost wet her pants. 
2. My Grandmother collected clown things.  She had clown paintings and figurines.  The paintings were worse; it always looked like the eyes were following you.  Everywhere you went, the clowns were watching.  What makes this even worse was that she would occasionally send something with clowns to my mom.  If they hadn’t been from my grandmother, I would have broken off every single one of their creepy little clown heads.  She was sure that if she loved clowns, then everyone loved clowns.  She was wrong.
3. John Wayne Gacy.  Enough said.
4. Stephen King’s “It.”  The book is far worse than that made for TV movie.  If you aren’t afraid of clowns and you watch the movie, you still won’t be afraid of clowns.  If you read the book, you will be afraid of clowns.  Or at least a little dodgy around them.
5. Insane Clown Posse.  I like the music, until I remember that they dress up like clowns.
6. Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988).  This movie is awful.  The entire plot is in the title.  It did nothing to alleviate my fears.

 When I was about 16 years old I went to a haunted house.  Now, I love haunted houses and Halloween.  It’s my favorite holiday.  So, a group of us go to this haunted house.  My boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend is in front of me, and my boyfriend is behind me.  We’re going through, and everything is fine, until I hear the circus music.  At this point I’m praying for rabid lions, psychotic ring leaders, and even a few sideshow freaks just for kicks.  Instead I get clowns.  A room full of them.  Did you know that clowns can smell fear?  Well, my boyfriend (no wonder we broke up) thinks that this is the funniest thing ever, so he goes ahead of me.  The girl that I had been desperately clinging to got separated from me.  So, I’m alone in a group of clowns who are so close that I can smell what they ate for dinner. 

One gets way too close, keep in mind that I know that they aren’t allowed to touch you.  Usually this makes me challenge the people who are dressed up.  I like to get up in their faces and and make them work for their money.  Normally, this makes them mad.  In the case of a room full of clowns, it eggs them on.  So, this one gets too close and I kick him in a very sensitive area of the male anatomy.  After I kick him I turn around and head out the way that we came in, screaming the whole way about clowns trying to kill me.  Needless to say, I’m not allowed to go back to that haunted house.   

As you can see, clowns are evil.  They are the basis of all evil.  Just recently I helped my mom with a Halloween party for the townhome association that she lives in.  I was digging the party.  Kids in costumes, adults running the games making fools of themselves, parents just sitting around talking to each other in an environment where they’re children are safe, good times.  Then the clown shows up.  My mom insists that this is a very nice man.  I think his biggest flaws are that he puts on clown make-up, a striped clown suit, a red nose and wig and big floppy shoes.  The kids of course loved him.  He made balloon animals and made them laugh. 

At one point he comes up to the table that I’m sitting at to grab something to eat and get away from the craziness that is small children.  A friend of my mom’s took a picture of the clown, and I happen to be in the picture.  It’s obvious that I’m deeply uncomfortable, and trying not to cry or look at the clown guy.  I can now recall that he was talking in that clowny voice that they sometimes use.  Heaven forbid they talk like a normal person.  Like I said, I’m sure that he is a wonderful person.  I mean it should be obvious that he is because I’m not sure that he got paid for this event.  He may have volunteered, I’m not too sure.  Regardless, he obviously didn’t rent this costume and spontaneously make balloon animals. 

So, clown guy, if you’re reading this.  It’s nothing personal.  I have nothing against you, I’m just terrified of you when you’re in your make-up.  When you dress up as Santa, then we can be friends.  Ok? 

I always wanted to be a writer, and people have told me that this is one way to get there.

I’m 29 years old, I live in Chicago, and I’m married.  We don’t have any children yet, but I’m sure that one day I’ll manage to bore everyone with details of the cutest thing that my child did today.  I’m also pretty sure that at times I will just go on and on, but hopefully you’ll stay the course and bear with me.

I have a neurotic cat who goes between ignoring me completely and following me everywhere.   I have a crazy family, crazy friends and I myself am probably crazy.  Not go out on a shooting spree crazy, but only mildly crazy.