I have this addiction.  And of course it has to do with shopping because I’ve basically given up everything else that made me happy (smoking, yes it kills, but it made me so happy; drinking, since my husband really can’t, I don’t get my drink on as much as I would like to). 

Let me get started here:

Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m a “As seen on TV” products addict.

Yeah…

I have a ridiculous amount of things that I have seen on those damned late night infomercials.  Seriously.  I see the commercial, and I decide I need it.  I need it now.  I need if for someone else.  I need it, need it, need it!

But, you know that me, who needs instant gratification because god forbid she should wait for anything, can’t order it from the TV or internet.  Nooo, I have to run around to any store that sells As Seen on TV products to try to find the item because I need to have it in my hot little hands right now.

Let me, if you will, list the things that I have run out to buy right now.

Bare Minerals:  I love make up.  I love easy make up.  I love make up that doesn’t look too make up-y.  I was still working when I started to get this.  Since not working I have had to pretty much stop using it.  Yes, I know everyone makes mineral make up now and I can get it much cheaper from somone else.  This stuff, it’s really the best though.  I have tried so many types.  I have sensitive skin, and this doesn’t irritate it.  It’s not too heavy, it covers the best, the brushes rock and the colors are pretty.  I miss it so much.  I’m sure my major motivation for finishing school and going back to work are just so that I can keep buying this stuff.  The funny thing is, when I started getting it, this was the one thing I couldn’t find in the stores yet.  I actually had to order it online.  It took for-fucking-ever for it to come too.  Now, I go to Target and they carry the starter kit. 

E-Z Combs:  They claim to work on any hair type and provide a firm hold while being comfortable and easy to use.  To that I say…Ha!  Lying bastards.  First, let us address the “Works on any hair type” issue.  I have short, thick hair.  I have awkwardly short (a bob that is super short in the back because I don’t like my hair to touch the back of my neck, but is down to my chin in the front, with lots of stupid layers and bangs) hair.  It isn’t the same length really anywhere on my head.  So, sure it would work great I’m sure if my hair was one length of short but it’s not so it doesn’t work there.  Next let us address the issue of “firm hold” and “easy to use.”  Yes, the hold is most certainly firm.  Let’s call it the $10 instant face lift the hold is so damned firm.  I managed to get one into my hair and had to take it out an hour later because of the headache.  Easy to use though, sure, if you have three hands because you need one to hold the first comb into place while stretching the second comb into place all while holding your hair into place so that it can be put into the damned combs! 

Bumpits:  First let me say how easily I fall for late night advertising.  And secondly, yes, I’m aware that I am in beauty school and that they teach you how to tease hair and give volume without the aid of plastic.  The problem is my hair.  I color it and bleach it, a lot.  That means that it’s damaged.  Which means I have to do a lot to make it strong and healthy looking again.  These products tend to make my hair soft, which I admit is a good thing.  But was a better thing five years ago when the natural look was in.  Now everyone wants big hair and my hair can’t do big without two cans of super hold hairspray.  So, like a sucker (yes, I’m aware of it) I bought these damned things and you know what, while they look weird in the commercials, they acutally freakin’ work.  Then again, I’m blessed with thick hair which makes them easy to cover up.  I wouldn’t recommend for someone with thinner hair or light hair.  Blondes would have a hard time rocking these because unless you order them from the website, you ain’t gonna find them in the lighter colors.  So laugh if you will, or find me and smash it down on my head, but at least I have the big hair for a few hours.

Shamwow!:  The guy in the commercial was so hilarious that I initially said I would never get them.  Then I went to my mom’s house one day and she had them.  I used one for something, I can’t remember what, but they were like a little miracle.  These things honestly suck up a ridiculous amount of liquid.  I washed my make up brushes the other night at like 9:00 (What?  Don’t judge me.  Just because I did nothing all day and randomly decided to clean at 9:00 at night means nothing other than pure boredom).  I knew I had to go to school the next day, therefore I needed to put make up on, therefore I needed my brushes to be dry.  I used one of these to dry the brushes a little and the next day at 5:30 in the morning they were dry.  I have a wet floor issue in my car, there is a leak coming from somewhere but I can’t locate it.  Regardless, if it rains too much my floors, mostly the backseat floors, have a standing water issue.  I used one of these puppies to soak up the water.  It worked.  It worked really well.  So, I keep one in my car, one in the kitchen to dry dishes, one in the bathroom to dry my hair a little (my hair holds water like a sponge) and I took one to school with me for the days when there aren’t any clean towels at school (I use them on the mannequin heads, not real people).

Smooth Away:  Anything that claims I don’t have to shave anymore earns me at least trying it.  Yeah, don’t waste the money.  Doesn’t work.  Does work to lift all the dead skin so if you need a really good exfoliator, this would do the trick.  Don’t expect it to get rid of the hair though.

PedEgg:  The commercial is gross.  The part where the ”shavings” are being tossed is downright nasty.  But, the damned thing still works.  Gross at it may be, it works.  For a little while anyway.  I recommend getting an actual pedicure though.  It’s much nicer.  Especially the places with massaging chairs.  Yeah, totally worth it. 

One Sweep :  Liars.

Microfiber Magic Sponge:  Amazingly useful.  We would go through a lot of sponges because I would wipe up eggs or something and get grossed out.  Whenever I would clean the bathroom, I would toss the sponge that I cleaned it with because I would be disgusted with what was now living on the sponge.  These can be washed.  I actually need to go and get more because they do kind of lose their “sponginess” after a few washings, but they’re good.  Very useful.  The closest I get to being green.

Miracle foot/hand repair:  I have freakishly dry skin, and I like to walk around barefoot.  My hands are dry from being in water all day.  This stuff is great.  It’s not too greasy and it heals the cracks and stuff. 

Turbie Twist:  My hair is a sponge, I will do anything to cut my drying time in half. 

Reuseable Dryer Balls:  I guess it’s supposed to speed up the drying time.  Yeah, sure, whatever. 

 Maxius Maxiglide hair straightner:  The most expensive item I have bought from As Seen on Tv.  I saw the commerical after being awake for 28 hours.  I believed them when they said that it would leave your hair shiny and smooth.  On the plus side, it did straighten my hair in one pass as opposed to the three or four I usually had to do with my old flat iron.  Since being in school though, I have splurged on a professional flat iron for myself.  Chi is much nicer.

One Touch:  I needed a new can opener because ours had commited suicide.  It was pink and I had coupons (plural, god do I love Bed, Bath and Beyond!) and a gift card, so I bought it.  Pretty nice actually.  Especially for someone who can’t focus on one thing while cooking.  I can set this up, walk away and come back and the can is open.

Yeah, I’m so not proud.  Mostly because this is only a quarter (I think) of a very, very long list… 

*Hangs head in shame*

My problems are small in comparison to some other people’s.  I admit that freely and openly.  I will not say that what I’m thinking, feeling or going through is worse than anyone else.  But, in the words of some of my teachers, *“your problems aren’t a me problem.”

I know, helpful right?  Doesn’t that just fill you with warm fuzzy goodness?  Don’t you feel supported?

I sure as hell don’t.

Let me list the way is which I’m (and when I say “I’m” I actually mean my husband and I) screwed:

1. In about 5 days I’m going to be unemployed.  Now, I realize I wasn’t really employed before but I was bringing some money in.  It wasn’t anything big, but it was enough to make my tuition payments, grab some groceries, and do little things for myself (if my husband can go to the comic book store and blow $20 on comics every week then I get to go and blow $25 on myself to get my nails done every other week).  The kids I watch are going to be on summer break next week.  Their mom who is a teacher, was basically laid off.  The school she was working at eliminated her position and she’s been looking for a new job.  I’m hoping, praying and keeping my fingers crossed because I like these people and as much as I complain about the kids, they are good kids (most of the time).  And lets’ face it, this is a pretty sweet gig I have going.  So, until September (at least, hopefully) I got nothing.  I’ve been not working too long now and I don’t know who would hire me.  Even if I try to find a job in my field I don’t know how the hours will work. 
2. My husband and I have been fighting over this, but I don’t know how much longer school is going to be an option, and that makes me sad.  My best bet is to find a way to pay tuition and keep going cause either way those damned loans are going to have to be repaid.  The really great part is, I was hoping to go full time over the summer so that I could build up a clientele.  Can’t go full time if I have no way to pay for school because going full time costs more.  Can’t build up a clientele by only being in school 13 hours a week.  It’s a vicious fucking circle.
3. This is a little embarrassing, but we haven’t been able to afford to do any real, or for that matter fake, grocery shopping since we got our tax return back in March. 
4. At some point, I have to stop relying on my dad to bail us out.  Mostly because I worry about he and my step-mother are surviving right now.  It can’t be easy to be a professional photographer right now. 
5. I miss my dad.  Almost Painfully so. 
6. I’m so goddamned insecure about anything and everything having to do with me right now that I wake up in the morning and immediately relieve every stupid little thing that I’ve done in the past to get me/us to this point.  I realize it’s the past and there is nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering if all of that stupidness is wrecking my future. 
7. I realize I freaked out last year and I have no right to bitch and whine about yet another birthday, but 31 is looming, and absolutely nothing has changed.
8. A girl I go to school with, who is younger than me (but not by much I think) is expecting her second child.  I know I shouldn’t be concerned with bring another person into this world when I can barely feed myself, but it sucks.  I’m happy for her, don’t get me wrong, but it sucks.
9. My school is a little (read a lot) retarded.  They are changing a black and white uniform to all black.  Because we want a school where it looks like everyone is in a perpetual state of mourning.  Oh, except for all the bleach spots on our all black uniforms.  That’s attractive.  Maybe we’re mourning our spirits or our will. 
10. I don’t really have a number ten but I thought it would look weird to just end at nine.  In all honesty, I brought up nine because I thought it would be weird to leave off with eight.  Number eight is also a little because I felt weird about leaving off with number seven.  I guess I have a thing about even and rounded numbers.

Ok, I’ve vented now.  I feel a little better now, thanks.

*Now, I want everyone to know that I do actually care what you’re going through.  While I admit your problems aren’t technically my problems, and nine times out of ten I really can’t even begin to understand what you guys are going through, I still care.  I hate that everyone seems to be having a hard time with things.  I love it when even one person has a really great thing. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting as much as I would like to, but I have been reading.  Maybe I just don’t know what to say.  Maybe I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to leave a comment and forget by the time I do have time.  Sometimes I read things five minutes before I have to head out the door. 

Or maybe I’m obsessed with Facebook and trying to decide whether or not I want to start showing my face on here.  Because part of me really does.  But part of me really like the anonymity.

Thoughts?  Feelings?  Anyone want to tell me to put on my big girl panties and grow up?  Or how about build a bridge and get over it?  I’m open to anything really.

Did I just start babbling?  I kinda went off topic didn’t I?  Ok, I’m done.  This is perhaps the longest and most pointless side notes ever.  Sorry.

Upon telling my best friend that I managed to drown yet another phone, she replies with this:

LOL!  You drown em, I snap em in half.  Phone companies gotta love us.

Yes, you read that right. 

Admittedly hers tend to be more murder while mine is unintentional manslaughter.  She and I are the killers of phones. 

It should be mentioned too, that she and I share a brain.  If you have any doubts, join us in a room when we have the same thought at roughly the same time.  We went to get our nails done on Friday, I brought a nail polish with me, she picked one out at the salon.  She comes back to where I’m seated and shows me the color she picked out. 

The colors are close enough to each other to be considered the same. 

We get dressed at our own homes.  I go to her house because we have plans to go out that day.  While I stand 5′5″ and she stands 5′0″, we are dressed in roughly the same thing.  At least the same colors.  With the matching Crocs shoes. 

We go out to dinner.  We both look at the menu and as soon as the waitress shows up, we are able to place our order.  Without consulting with each other we will do one of two things:

1. Order the exact same thing.
2. Order the thing that we want but the other person was going to order because she wanted to try something “different”.

On the occasion of the second, we split our meal and share it with each other.

I head over to her house.  I head over to Dunkin Donuts to get our coffee fix.  No, I haven’t called her to see if she wants coffee.  I know she does.  If I want coffee, she wants coffee.

We both have fits of rage.  These fits tend to lead to stuff being thrown out doors.  If it doesn’t break to our complete satisfaction, we will follow it outside to make sure it is broken properly.  More than once I have gone over to her house after one of her fits and seen any of these things in the backyard:

• Cell phone
• DVD/VCR
• Stereo
• Remote control
• Children’s toys (she either stepped on it or the batteries kept dying)
• Coffee maker
• Microwave (keep in mind, she was about 7 months pregnant)
• Stroller

I know some of these things could be found in the yard anyway, but their exact placement and distance from the back door, plus the fact that it is somehow tipped over or broken in some way means that she is the reason it is out there.

We don’t talk on the phone while we’re driving.  Not because of safety reasons, because we both have headsets, but because we both have serious road rage issues.  The only reason we know the other persons road rage issues is because we have to occasionally get into the car when the other person is driving.  The funny part; we’ll say some of the exact same things without ever hearing the other person say it first.

She let me cry, and I mean cry with snot running down my face and the hiccuping breathing, the day she brought her youngest son home.  Not because I was happy he was home (I was), not because I was happy she picked me as godmother (still am) but because I was so happy that they were both healthy and safe at home and I was so incredibly sad that it wasn’t me.  This woman had just spent a week in the hospital after having a C-section.  She came home one day and brought her son home the next (he was jaundice, doctors wanted him at the hospital one more night) and then let me completely break down in great heaving sobs while hugging me and not letting me leave.  I pulled the woman onto the damned floor with me and she never winced or cried out in any kind of pain.

We always (and I do mean always) manage to text/call the other person at the same time the other person is either thinking of doing the same thing or is in the process of doing the same thing.

We once bought the same purse, without the other person present, about a week apart from each other.  Neither of us had seen the purse the other one had bought. 

I asked her to check on my cat for me while the hubs and I were in Mexico.  When she came in, one day she decided to move some stuff around to see how long it would take me to notice.  I did the same thing to her last summer, she honestly didn’t realize it until she told me what she did.

That’s my best friend.  She’s why I can survive the break up of the “other one.”

Since I haven’t written in awhile, and the last anyone has really heard from me was anger I guess I’ll give updates.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to share.  It’s just been a rough month. 

School:  is going great actually.  Other than the fact that I figured I was so awesome at cutting hair on Saturday that I attempted to cut off a finger, it’s been really great.  I feel more confident every day.  I’m ready for the summer so that I can go into school more often and attempt to make up some of the hours I’m missing.  Don’t get me wrong, I can complain about stuff there, but at the same time I have small private victories.  Like the mean girls who no longer talk to each other, let alone me.  So glad that their clique-y-ness has finally backfired on them.  Of course the one is still really full of herself and I look forward to the day when she gets taken down a notch.

The other thing:  cause let’s face it, these are the only two things going on in my life. 

I broke up with her.  The toxic friend.  It should be noted, that this is the same toxic friend that I have written about in the past.  I only have one of these friends.  Actually, I don’t even have one now. 

Everything that I had written here on this blog about her…I let it out.  I told her everything.  I gave her my 15 years of rage and frustration with her.  I did it.  I was scared to death the whole time.  She hung up on me several times.  I kept calling her back and telling her that I wasn’t done with her yet.  But, I got it all out. 

I threw up several times, but I did it. 

Then I called her mom and told her about what her daughter had been doing for money.  Why?  Because it was that important to me that her daughter be taken away from her.  I knew what her parents were like.  I knew that they would think that that was a bad place for her daughter to be living.  I told them how the guy is an alcoholic.  I told them everything. 

They’re fighting for custody.  I may have to go to court. 

I think it’s safe to say that the friendship is over.

Oh, and I had the cold from hell in the middle of the swine flu outbreak.  Woo hoo!  Yeah, it wasn’t swine flu and it wasn’t allergies but it also wasn’t strep throat like I thought it might have been (4 days of a bad sore throat, I was concerned). 

But, I’m feeling much better now.

And yet another rant about “her.”  Let’s just call this what it is for me, Free Therapy.  I promise, at some point there will be something happy again.

I can’t seem to get past it.  For as long as I’ve known this girl, I have let her judge how I feel from day to day.  Her mood directly reflects my mood.  She calls me pissed off at the world, vents to me and I end up hanging up feeling all pissy.  Sadly, I never seem to get any other emotion from her other than anger/pissiness/ frustration. 

Right now, I’m dodging calls from her.  I’m too chicken shit to tell her off.  I’m too much of a pussy (so sorry for the language yet again) to tell her the things that really bother me.  Specifically, the things that really bother me about her. 

Perhaps it’s my deep rooted need to have everyone like me.  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because, as angry as I am, as much as I hate her right now, I can’t seem to shake her.  I constantly do this too.  I get mad at her, decide I’ve had enough of her and her dramatic bullshit and stop answering the phone when she calls.  A couple weeks later, I’ll lose my resolve and answer the phone and she’ll go on thinking everything is just fine.  Meanwhile I’ll still be seething until I just I can’t hold onto it anymore.  Then the next thing will happen. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.   

The thing is, I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I hate her right now.  I hate that I’ll forgive her (I really don’t know if forgive is the right word).  I hate that I will end up being her emotional crutch like always. 

Just once, I wish I could tell her everything I wrote in my last post.  Maybe not everything, some of it was really harsh.  I don’t regret writing it, it needed to be said before I exploded.  It had to be said.  I just really wish I had the nerve to say it to her face.  I wish I could tell her how I felt just once.  Instead I shut my mouth each and every time I start to say something.  I stay quiet. 

Every time I get quiet, I convince myself that she’s right about me.  I am weak.  I’m not as strong as she is.  I know that if I said half the things to her that I wrote, she would argue with me.  She would convince me that I’m wrong.  She would tell me how much I’ve always envied her.  I know her and her ego well enough to know that she would say these things. 

Admittedly, for awhile I did envy her.  I envied the way she was with people.  I envied the attention she got from guys.  It took me awhile to realize it was the kind of attention that I would never want.  Men only want one thing from her.  She’s actually shocked when they don’t call back.  Her numbers range into the triple digits.  And she’s proud of it!

My numbers don’t, and I’m proud of that.  The only thing she has in this world that I’m jealous of is her daughter.  She never wanted kids.  Well, I didn’t either but things changed apparently.  She still doesn’t really seem to want a kid.  It makes me nuts.

She convinces me that her broken heart from losing her first love is worse than my broken heart from losing my first love.  How can anyone compare the level of pain that one person feels to the level of pain that another person feels?  I mean, isn’t that a lot like saying that apples are better than oranges?  Every time she convinces me I hear a little, tiny voice in the back of my head saying “She just said your feelings don’t count?  Are you seriously going to take that?”

And I do take it.  I take it because her first love is still alive and mine died.  I take it because she hasn’t found anyone worthy of filling the missing piece that he left behind, and I did.  I love my husband, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything.  She loves no one except the one who broke her heart but she won’t trade it for anything.  She  won’t let herself feel love.  Even for her own child, she won’t do it.  She’s so stuck on feeling her own hurt that I’m not sure if she can even see anyone else’s hurt. 

I want to be in that place where I don’t hate her anymore.  Because even I know that hate means that I still care.  Hate is a strong emotion.  It means that no matter how angry I am right now and how much I’m avoiding her phone calls, it means I will eventually answer the phone and answering the phone will mean I forgave her. 

I long for indifference. 

I want the day to come when I just don’t give a damn anymore.  I want the day when I can answer the phone and listen to her, hang up the phone and my brain is none the wiser that she and I even spoke.  I want her words to roll off of my back like water on a duck’s back.  I want to stop hearing every little insult she throws at me while covering it in constructive criticism. 

Indifference would make a really big difference in my world right now.

Mostly though, I just want to stop being angry.

WARNING:  The following is a rant.  I am angry and filled with cursing.  This is what I wish I could say to a “friend.”  Unfortunately I’m too chicken to actually say it.  She’s too self involved to ever try to find anything having to do with me, so I have absolutely no worries that she’ll stumble upon this page.  I’m sorry about this post and I hope to be in a better mood soon.

 

First of all, you are selfish.  Seven years ago you chose to bring a child into this world, today you think your parents are smothering you by insisting that you not go out with your boyfriend while relying on them to put your child to bed.  You tell me that they are “pussyfying” her, to this I say, you had a pretty good life growing up.  Your parents did well enough to provide you with anything you might want.  Yes, they are having a hard time right now but it’s because you aren’t acting like a mother.  

You chose to move in with an asshole who would make you responsible for any and all bills while he sat on his ass day in and day out getting drunk and high.  He even went so far as to assume that you would be okay with whoring yourself out.  All because he didn’t want to get a job.  One year of you doing stuff for money that no one on this earth should have to do, and it was his fucking idea.  One year.  You convinced me it was the only way, and I sat back and gritted my teeth while he sat at home drinking a gallon of god-damned vodka and smoking an eighth of weed a night.  

You put up with it for a year.  You finally met someone else, you moved out of the assholes house and back in with your parents.  Yes, you knew it was going to suck but it was only temporary.  You blow everything out of proportion.  You’re parents aren’t pussyfying your kid or trying to smother you, they are still trying to get it through to your fucking rock solid skull that you are 30 years old, with a kid and you can’t act like a fucking teenager anymore!  You have to be home at night for your kid.  You can’t leave whenever you want to go see your boyfriend.  

Do you want to know why we stopped talking before?  Do you want to the truth?  Because here’s 15 years of suppressed anger:

1. You have the one thing in this world that I would kill for.  You have a beautiful, intelligent daughter.  All that little girl wants is her mom.  You just want to pawn her off on everyone else.  You are willing to move back in with the asshole, and make her life more complicated, just so you can leave whenever you want.  That’s stupid, selfish and inconsiderate.  Her life is going to be fucked up.  You keep saying that she’s weak.  You are the one making her weak.  Kids, need their mothers.  They need them to be kind and loving and not put up with bullshit.  Don’t make your life sound like it was the hardest thing in the world.  You lived in the god-damned suburbs of Chicago, not in the fucking projects.  Your parents, they gave you anything you wanted.  You are the epitome of “Only Child Syndrome.”  New clothes, medicine, love, money…it was yours.  You, don’t give your kid any of that.  Am I jealous?  Bet your fucking ass I am.  I’m jealous of the child you have, that you don’t fucking deserve.
2. I asked you not to date my ex.  I told you I was still in love with him.  You did it anyway.  Stupid and childish, yeah.  But, how would you feel if I had dated your first love?  Stings right?  Just the thought of it kind of makes your stomach twist and turn?  Now, imagine that every single time we talk.  And you never hesitate to bring it up.  You never hesitate to bring up how you two talked up to a month before he died.  And then you had the fucking nerve to ask me why I was so fucking upset when he died?!
3. Your belief in how naive I am is sickening.  I hate you for it.  You make me believe that I am weak of will and character.  Fuck you.  I survived getting my ass kicked by an asshole for three and a half years.  I survived him telling me that I was nothing.  I had things done to me that I would never tell you about. 
4. You, are not my best friend.  Never were.  Want to know why?  I don’t trust you, and I never did.  I would tell you things, and hear them from someone else a week later.  Things I told you in confidence.  Things I asked you not to repeat to anyone.  You repeatedly talked about me to other people.  You still do. 
5. You ask me not to judge you, but you have judged me and everything I do from day one.
6. The money.  I guess I never really expected you to pay me back, but it would be nice if you would just once observe how much you owe me.  Tell me that you know you could never pay me back, but you appreciate everything I’ve given to you over the years.  Say that just once and we’re even.  We both know you won’t though.
7. You’re right, I haven’t slept with a tenth of the number of guys you’ve slept with.  Believe it or not, that isn’t a weakness or anything else on my part.  It’s simply sluttiness on yours…
8. Why does every single man on the planet have to be in love/lust with you?  Is it so hard to simply meet a guy and him not want to jump you or date you?  Oh, and if he doesn’t, he must be gay.  Why was it so hard for you to believe that the guy I cheated on my ex with actually only wanted me, and not you too?  When, will you stop bringing it up?  He wanted me, god only knows why, but he did, and no, it wasn’t a move to get to you.
9.  A few of your exes were pure slime balls.  One of them (the one you almost married) groped me in a corner of your apartment the day you moved in.  He told me that he wanted me as soon as he saw me.  I told him he was an asshole.  When I confronted you about this, you told me I was lying and jealous because guys didn’t want me.  Very nice.  Way to support a friend.
10. I’m living a pretty good life and don’t need to live vicariously through you.  I have a husband who loves me.  He would never cheat on me and works hard to give me the things that I need/want in life.  The only things we are missing in our life together is a house and a child.  Other than that, we’re ok.  I don’t miss being single as you claim I do.  I’m jealous of you, sure.  But I already made that point in #1.  Other than that, you have nothing in this world that I would give up anything for. 

So, fuck you bitch.  I regret the day I let you back into my world.  You have done nothing to improve my world since the day you walked back in.  You are a self centered, egotistical slut.  You need to get your self esteem in check before you go making assumptions about mine.  Yeah, mine is royally messed up, but at least I didn’t and wouldn’t sleep with men for money.

My mind is like a blank canvas these days.  I get up every morning and I do what needs to be done, but I feel like I’m going through the motions.  I don’t know what this means for me in the long run.  I’m sick of complaining (this isn’t a complaint, merely a statement of fact).  There are people in the world who are dealing with much worse things than anything I could possibly be going through at this very moment. 

Sure, I’m dodging bill collectors but there are people who are living on the street.

School has it’s ups and it downs, doesn’t mean that I feel so disgruntled by the whole thing that I want to go purchase a semi-automatic weapon and take down everybody that I go to school with and a few of the clients that come in.

The weather here is stupid (that’s the best description I can give it right now).  Last week it was in the 60’s and beautiful, on Sunday it snowed.  It’s April 7th, and as of this writing, it’s 32 degrees. 

Whatever, I don’t even have it in me to be disgusted.  I haven’t switched to my warm weather wardrobe (say that 5 times fast) yet so I guess it isn’t really an issue for me.  It’s just dumb.  I put away my winter coat and basic winter gear and then had to go hunting for all of it on Sunday.  Inconvenient?  Sure.  Anything besides that?  Not so much.

Hell my biggest problem right now (other than the bill collectors thing) is that my oh-so-comfy-school shoes, are giving me big huge blisters on the sides of my feet. 

Yeah, I know, I was shocked too.  That’s really all I got.  My life is pretty damned good right now.  I’m used to being unhappy about one thing or another.  I don’t know how to deal with my newfound contentment.  I like it, don’t get me wrong.  If it sounds like I’m complaining about being happy, please, email me.  I’ll give you my address and you can come smack me on the back of my head. 

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been posting as often.  I looked back and discovered that I was only posting the bad stuff.  That made me sound whiny.  I don’t want to be whiny.  I want you guys to see how happy I can be.  The problem is, I don’t know what to say when I’m happy. 

I mean, sure I could tell you how when I was getting out my car the other day I forgot to take off my seat belt.  It was like in the movies.  I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to get out of the car for like 5 minutes.  When I realized I forgot to take off my seat belt, I laughed hysterically by myself in the car for another 10 minutes.  People were looking at me like I was nuts, and I don’t blame them in the least.  It was funny.

At school, I had my first client (didn’t barf, Pam) then I had my second and third (still haven’t barfed).  I had my first bad client.  She insisted on telling me what her hair was like, and she lied.  She wanted me to style her hair with conditioner.  The women out there are probably saying something along the lines of “what?”  The men could be too, but mostly I just picture you all of with confused looks on your faces.  Sorry. 

Anyway, she complained to my instructor and didn’t give me a tip.  And I didn’t get mad.  My instructor got my back and told her I did everything that I was supposed to do.  I moved on after realizing that my hard work wouldn’t get me tipped.  Whatever.  I didn’t freak, I didn’t panic that I was going to suck at this.  I simply accepted that this would happen from time to time.  Hell, my very first client tipped my 50%.  It took me three days to realize that.  Her bill was $14, and she gave me $7.  Yeah.  They can’t all be like her, and I was sure that she hated her hair when she left.  Positive, but I guess you can’t argue with 50%. 

My second client was a four year old boy.  His mother was sweet and crying a little because all of his soft, blonde baby hair was being cut off.  It’s what he wanted.  He was left with enough hair on top for me to spike, and I gave him devil horns because that’s what he wanted.  Eight dollar haircut, five dollar tip.  So, really the third client was bound to be a bad one.  

And, I’m ok with that. 

I know I can do this, and I know that sometimes people won’t like what I did or didn’t do.  I will do my best to give them what they want, but they won’t all like me. 

Whatever, I’m ok with that.

It turns out I’m allergic to Dial soap. 

How do I know this?  I have a rash.

In a very awkward place.

So very itchy…

Last night was my first night out on the floor.  I didn’t actually get to work on any people last night.  It was raining and no one really goes out in the rain at 5:00 at night to get their hair done, except for one crazy lady apparently.

So, I was sitting in Theory (this is where we expand on some of the things we learned in Basics) and one of the instructors walks in with a ticket for a client.  He pulls someone out of class and that person goes to work on this client.  She proceeded to be the client from hell. 

She made two girls cry.  And these were not girls who regularly cry.  These were pretty tough girls who were chosen for their toughness.  They have dealt with some pretty awful clients, and walked away.  They survived.  But this woman last night, brought both of these girls to tears.  I didn’t actually hear what she said, but I heard the stories about the other times that she came in and reduced other girls to tears, and our one lone male to quivering mass of anger.  He wasn’t quick to anger either. 

One time she came in for a perm.  Perms are delicate things, the solutions leave the hair kind of weak and this is really why you aren’t supposed to wash your hair for 24 hours after getting one.  Anyway, after the last perm she got at the school, when her hair was still wet she proceeded to start pulling on her hair.  This will pull out a lot of the curl so that it looks like the perm didn’t take.  When the girl got her back to the chair, this woman proceeded to complain that the perm didn’t take and how the girl who did her hair had no idea what she was doing. 

The next time she spent the entire time saying all the wonderful things about another local beauty school (the one I actually attended 10 years ago).  Meanwhile the girl doing her hair spent the entire time saying nothing, because what can you say when someone seems to love another school so much more.  It actually ended with the instructor coming onto the floor and telling the woman that if she thought that school was so wonderful, then she should go there. 

Last night, I have no idea what the service was but at the end when she was supposed to pay, she didn’t have enough.  What I forgot to mention was, everytime in the past something would go wrong and her service would either be free or highly discounted.  Last night, everyone had enough.  There were no discounts, there were no free services.  She was supposed to pay full price for everything.  She didn’t have enough money. 

First off, if you don’t have enough money, don’t go and get your hair done.  It’s that simple.  I know, that for the most part, women will sell an internal organ to get their hair done, but if you can’t sell an organ to get your hair done, don’t walk into a salon.  I’m sorry.  I’ve done it too, well not the selling of an organ, but not having enough money to get my hair done.  I don’t walk in expecting to get my hair done for free.  This woman was a bully, she was expecting free and she didn’t get it.

I’m fairly certain I’ll never have to deal with that particular woman.  But, I know there will come a day when I have to deal with someone like her.  I just hope I don’t cry.

I just realized that a week from today, I’m supposed to be going out onto the floor to work on actual clients. 

A week, from today.

Actual people.

Yet, I can’t do a haircut on my mannequin head without making a hole (I’ll explain that later, and no it’s not a hole in the head like I’m stabbing it with scissors) in the hair.  And they want me to work on actual people? 

I’m not ready.  I haven’t done things yet.  I’m missing stuff.  I have a style album I have to do still.  I have notes that I have to type up and put into a binder.  I just figured out how to do my own hair, and they want me to do a complete strangers hair?

Crap.